weight on my shoulders:childcare

Kissing Henry goodbye every morning and sending him off to his nannyshare is …

is…

I can’t seem to find the word.

It’s hard. It’s tough. It’s with a heavy heart. The truth is that I send him off each morning with a touch of resentment.

I’m terrified of sending him out into the world without me.

…Without my protection.

…Without my mama bear instincts.

…without me experiencing everything with him

I hate that he is having experiences without me.  Isn’t that selfish?

I value every single one of our sweet moments together and wish we lived in a world where it could be me and Henry all day, every day.  I would have the BEST time.

I hate that the first time he sat in a swing was with the nanny. NOT ME!

I hate that the first time he went down a slide was with the nanny. NOT ME!

I hate that she gets to hear him say his favorite words –  “woof,” “look,” “duck,” “fish,” “mom-mom,” and “quack” – all day long. I WANT TO HEAR HIS SWEET VOICE!

I hate that I am not there to stare at his sweet face and long eyelashes while he naps. and claps his hands. and does the

I don’t get to see him dance and clap his hands in music circles. and does the

I don’t get to see him eat string cheese, bananas, or black beans for lunch.

I feel like I am missing out on EVERYTHING! He is {almost} 14 months old and only getting older. I will never get this time back. I will never be able to rewind and start again.

Truth is,  I live in the real world.   And the reality is that I have to work. I have to bring home a paycheck. I have to carry insurance for our family. I have to send him away each day so that I can perform my daily work tasks and be a contributor to our finances.

Poor me…I have to do those normal things that adults do! I know! I’m not looking for sympathy.

I’m just looking for an outlet to gripe so that I can curb that nagging feeling of resentment.

Motherhood is tough, yo!

 

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2 thoughts on “weight on my shoulders:childcare

  1. My daughter is 19 months old in 4 days. I’ve been back at work for 12 months exactly, and was so lucky that up until this point, the person who cared for her was my mother.

    Unfortunately my mother needs to have a hip replacement and so my daughter has just commenced a couple of days a week at daycare, with a view to moving there full-time in a few weeks.

    It’s only now that I’ve had to have similar worries to yours. Up until now, I’ve been somewhat sheltered. I was slightly jealous when my mother witnessed the firsts I was missing, but that was tempered by the knowledge that it was my mother; the woman I love most with all my heart.

    Now, it’s strangers. It’s unknown people who pick her up when she cries for us, who put her to bed, change her nappy…

    Like you, I have to live in the real world, and am not looking for sympathy – but from one mum to the next, I wanted to say “I feel ya, sister!” xox

    • I love this! Thank you for your sentiments and sharing your story. #mompower Good luck with the transition and sending well wishes to your mom for her recovery from surgery.

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