weight on my shoulders:childcare

Kissing Henry goodbye every morning and sending him off to his nannyshare is …

is…

I can’t seem to find the word.

It’s hard. It’s tough. It’s with a heavy heart. The truth is that I send him off each morning with a touch of resentment.

I’m terrified of sending him out into the world without me.

…Without my protection.

…Without my mama bear instincts.

…without me experiencing everything with him

I hate that he is having experiences without me.  Isn’t that selfish?

I value every single one of our sweet moments together and wish we lived in a world where it could be me and Henry all day, every day.  I would have the BEST time.

I hate that the first time he sat in a swing was with the nanny. NOT ME!

I hate that the first time he went down a slide was with the nanny. NOT ME!

I hate that she gets to hear him say his favorite words –  “woof,” “look,” “duck,” “fish,” “mom-mom,” and “quack” – all day long. I WANT TO HEAR HIS SWEET VOICE!

I hate that I am not there to stare at his sweet face and long eyelashes while he naps. and claps his hands. and does the

I don’t get to see him dance and clap his hands in music circles. and does the

I don’t get to see him eat string cheese, bananas, or black beans for lunch.

I feel like I am missing out on EVERYTHING! He is {almost} 14 months old and only getting older. I will never get this time back. I will never be able to rewind and start again.

Truth is,  I live in the real world.   And the reality is that I have to work. I have to bring home a paycheck. I have to carry insurance for our family. I have to send him away each day so that I can perform my daily work tasks and be a contributor to our finances.

Poor me…I have to do those normal things that adults do! I know! I’m not looking for sympathy.

I’m just looking for an outlet to gripe so that I can curb that nagging feeling of resentment.

Motherhood is tough, yo!

 

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screentime: some days you need a break

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Definitely not a flattering photo but one to include as it shows motherhood in real life.

I pride myself on being an observant, loving, hands-on mama but sometimes I just can’t seem to muster the energy to play anymore.  When these rare times occur, I allow Henry the opportunity to indulge in a little screentime.

I try to be conscience of the content and make sure it is informative and will teach him something. The other day we watched Sesame Street music videos from artists like Jason Mraz, Macklemore, and India Arie on YouTube. Henry was so captivated by the tunes and puppets that I was able to indulge in a brewski and a dark chocolate covered caramel.

 

The Nine Month Check-Up

Our little turkey is growing up! It’s hard to believe, but he just went to his nine (9) month check up.

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His stats are as follows:

Weight: 19 lbs 4 oz (36.58%, Source: WHO)

Height: 29.21″ (73.39%, Source: WHO)

Head Size: 18.82″ (97.82%, Source: WHO)

While his big head circumference is off the charts, he is a little small fry! I’m always shocked when people say, “He’s only nine months? He’s so big!!”  I want to scream, “No, he isn’t. He’s in the 36% percentile, lady!” For some reason, people calling him a big baby really IRKS me.  If you’re going to comment on his size, the best response would be to say, “He’s the perfect size.”

What’s new with his milestones?  There are so many!

For one, he is standing on his own.  He’s been hanging on to things with just his fingertips on one hand for a few weeks now, but, as of Halloween Day, he can now stand on his own without holding on to anything.

We were at a party when it happened and 25+ people witnessed it.  How cool!

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He is just SO amazing.

I seriously say this to myself at least 96x a day. Really, I do! Every single day is something new with him.

…new sounds/words

…new milestones reached

…new facial expressions

…new foods consumed

…new adventures explored

new. new. new.

The funniest new thing he’s doing is squeezing himself into {incredibly} tight spaces.

…like in between a sliding glass door and a high chair.

I mean…

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What did he think would happen?  Where did he intend to go?  Why on Earth would he even try this?

I have no idea, but he is adorable while he does it!

The Honest Truth: My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear used to be burning alive.

But then my perspective changed.  I birthed a baby.  

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Now my biggest, darkest fear is losing Henry.

…losing him too soon.

…losing him to a stranger.

…losing him to a medical mystery.

…losing him in any way that takes him away from me.

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It is unfathomable, yet I find myself being paralyzed with fear on a daily basis.  While this makes me want to lock him away in a secure bubble to ensure this doesn’t happen, we live each day to the fullest because none of us know how much time we have on this Earth.

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I read a news story today that really affected me.

It happened a few blocks away from our house.

A couple with a two year old were robbed at knifepoint while they were out for a walk.

…during the day.

I want to cry. Cry for those people in the news story. Cry for myself. Just cry.

On a daily basis I think to myself, “No one has ever nor will they ever love anyone more than I love Henry.” Seriously, I think this. I think it every single day.

And the truth of the matter is…

I believe it! I honestly believe it with every fiber of my being.

I start to feel proud.

…but then

I feel embarrassed.

..but then

I feel sorry.

I feel sorry for everyone who isn’t me because they will never experience the intense feeling of love and attachment that I feel for Henry.

…and then the cycle starts over.

Because…

I realize that every mama must feel this way for her child.

Mondayzzzz

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A Case of the Mondays

After a fun weekend, my pint-sized assistant is hard at work answering calls and emails on my behalf.  With a bad case of seasonal allergies and feeling emotionally drained, this Monday is especially hard for me.

I’ll just turn my frown upside down and count the hours until Henry comes back from the nanny.

…only five more hours.

Goodnight! Sleep Tight!

While I’m away on my work trip, I’ve been demanding video chats with Hen.   I don’t want the distance to keep me from seeing his sweet little face so have been using technology to be there for his nighttime play session and bedtime routine.

Thank you Google Hangout!

I mean…he is letting go while in the standing position. TRUST FALL!!!

I would not believe it if I didn’t see it with my own eyeballs.

    

A Breakfast Picnic in Denver

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We made our way to Denver for the holiday weekend to spend some quality time with family and are enjoying the slow pace and picturesque skylines of Colorado.

This morning we grabbed breakfast and had a picnic at a local park to enjoy the sunshine, get some fresh air, and to let the dogs run their crazies out.IMG_2944